I don't know how many people ever read my blog or would even read it now. I don't know the 'reach' I had/have(?). All I know is I've changed so much since those posts and now I'm able to look back, better understanding the pivotal moments that changed my life forever.
I've worked really hard mentally on trying to be a better mom and person. I feel absolutely guilty about now being able to say the right thing all the time. I hate those 'a-ha' moments in the shower late at night when I realize where I went wrong today in parenthood. I hate realizing what lack of support I offered my child today.
I expect him to do *so* much better than me, but all I'm doing is showing him how I behave, inadvertently mapping out his current negative behaviors. I know because the moment I notice them, I cringe the same way I think about my negative attributes. I put so much pressure on myself to be a better mom, do better, work better, think better, talk better. I use my energy on thinking how wrong I was instead of trying to do right, right now.
I don't know if I'll ever truly get the hang of things or be one step ahead like the other moms seem to be, but at least I'm trying to take on the mental load of doing better. I don't think I'm doing as good as I should be, I'm definitely lacking in some areas, but I think I can do better.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I think I'm doing something that involves growth.
This is a weird path I've stumbled upon. It's fucking ridiculous and hard and I'm constantly challenged. I'm having really bad setbacks and upsets. But I'm doing it and I do see some small moments of progress. I just don't want to stop there. I wish I wasn't so slow, but I'm doing the damn thing.
I'm breaking generational curses.
